– You don’t remember any of their phone numbers? Not even your mom’s?
– I‘m young, remember?!
– OMG, you look hot!
– Well, duh, it’s still me!
– No, you look sweaty…
– Back in the day when I wanted some strange, I would grab a Wall Street dude coming out of spin class. I knew exactly what his body looked like, I knew what his sweat smelled like, and I knew for sure there would be no emotional attachment. I could simply hate-fuck his capitalist brains right out his prick.
– Before Lehman Brothers went down, Neri went down on Lehman Brothers.
– Luschek just commented “believe women”. And he did the fist emoji, but he changed the skin color to white, instead of keeping it Simpsons yellow. Who does that? That’s some white supremacist shit right there.
– Maybe I am not the best person to be advising you on this, considering you blackmailed me into giving you a blowjob.
– That was consensual blackmail. And now, we are living in non-wedded bliss.
– Joe, the best thing you can do as a straight white man is shut the fuck up.
– But that’s crazy. I get it, men have been abusive assholes throughout time, but I am not one of those guys. I’m just trying to get the facts straight.
– The only thing more annoying than you being a nice guy is your need for everyone to think that you’re a nice guy. It’s not gonna happen, but this will blow over, ’cause the world doesn’t really care about anyone, and it certainly doesn’t care about women.
So, sit tight and let it pass.
– What did you think about it? And be brutally honest, but lead with the positive, because I might shut down and not be able to process the criticism.
– So, what’s the difference between the racisms?
– Capital-R racism implies that the racist assumes racial superiority or performs deliberate acts of discrimination. Casual racism is about negative prejudice or racial stereotypes concerning race, and is most often unintentionally offensive. They both have negative impact, but casual racism makes me laugh, so I indulge.
Are you asking me to Marie Kondo my wife?
– Alex broke up with me. She said she wanted to set me free. I don’t know what to do.
– Celebrate? Sorry. I’m sorry. Old scars. Here. Wipe your nose.
– This could have been my living room. These could have been my boogie wipes.
– No. No, Piper, they couldn’t. Because you didn’t actually want to be with me. You wanted to be with Alex. You always wanted to be with Alex.
– Larry, Larry… I wanted to be with you. But Alex… It’s like, we met, and I grew another limb. And, like, she’s a part of my body. And now she doesn’t want to be with me.
– That’s not what she said. She said she wants to set you free. And I think that’s really nice of her. Because I also think she’s a destructive piece of shit. Please do not say anything mean.
– I know you all think she ruined my life. But, please.
– No. Hold on. I didn’t say that, and I don’t think that. In fact, I think in a lot of ways, she made your life. I think you were this cute blonde girl from Connecticut, going to Smith, on your road. And you looked ahead and saw everything, your whole life just laid out in front of you, this nice life, this normal life, and a part of you said, “Fuck that. I want to be special.” Alex was your ticket to special. You got to live this life of intrigue. You were above the law. And then you got scared and you reverted back to your old path. That’s me, right? And our life together. And you saw this life laid out in front of you, this nice life, this normal life, and this time you said, “Fuck it. I’m tired. Let’s do this.” But I think that restless part of you, it just would have risen up again at some point. So, lucky for all of us that Alex named you, because now, once again, you’re special.
– Jesus. When did you formulate this theory about me and my life motivations?
– Been working on it for a little while now. Going over it in my head. Talked to two different therapists about it. They both think I’ve nailed you, by the way.
– I did not want to go to prison, Larry.
– I’m sure.
– It was awful.
– I believe you. But I also think maybe this was the best thing that ever happened to you, because now you can never be nice and normal again. You’re the ex-con which, in our circles, is quite exotic.
– We’re not in the same circles.
– Because look at the choices that you’re making, Piper. That woman that we met the night that we all went out to dinner? She’s great. She’s hot. She has a cool job.
– She has an amazing apartment.
– She has an amazing apartment. She’s on her way and she likes you. And all you can think about is Alex.
– Because I love Alex.
– Yeah, because you love Alex. But also because you love what being with Alex represents.
– Larry, stop. This is bullshit. You don’t know me anymore. You may have known a version of me, but you have no idea who I am now. This whole narrative you created? I am not that self-destructive.
– Aren’t you?
– No. I am heartbroken. And I do not know what to do. I might go to Northampton.
– You wanna go back to school?
– No. Zelda’s in Northampton. She asked me to come join her.
– Okay? Well, see? Great, there you go. You’ve got choices. You can go to Northampton and see what that’s all about.
– Or I might stay here and wait for Alex.
– Yeah. Of course, there’s that, yeah. I would probably put some money on that.
– You are working off an old version of me.
– Okay, then here’s my advice. Go do what new Piper would do.